The ‘Kaalu’ chronicles – Part 2

Categories content writing, humor, humour, kaalu, sarcasm, storytelling

-Neelesh Chandola

In the first part , you read about… WAIT!  if you haven’t , then go where this link takes you and read it first (don’t just skim through). The Kaalu Chronicles -Part 1
So you’re back . great!

Hmmm. last time you were told about Kaalu Sr. and if , by any chance, you happened to read it carefully , you’d remember me mentioning how ‘HE’ gave birth to six cubs , revealing that he was more of a ‘she’ .

Kaalu Junior , or Kaalu 2 or.. let’s call him kaalu , was one of them. Again, no one cared to think of a more worthwhile name for him and it came to pass that he would be called Kaalu , as would the rest of the cubs.
Out of the six , only he survived .
That does not mean he was some hardcore braveheart .
Neither does that mean the other cubs died.
The only thing intended here is to assert the fact that Kaalu was a ‘HE’. Established .

The other cubs weren’t dead either . They survived but just couldn’t survive us so, moved away to new neighbourhoods and this abbreviated piece of nothing was too lazy to move a butt because the friction offered by the ground in doing so was faaaaar from his capacity to bear , so he remained clung to us and preferred dying like a man.


He was no resilient warrior either. Instead , the asshole was an incarnation of Courage the cowardly dog , only worse – A disappointment to his great mother , and the bad news , he ‘IS’ an incarnation of Courage the cowardly dog because dude isn’t dead yet.

The problem with these scumbags is that they die natural deaths , the entire dynasty , unlike the other pets I’ve had.
The rule with the other ones is – either they die of something , or they get kicked in the ass and flung out of the house in a projectile motion trajectory .
But these were simply not the ones to get butt-kicked .Actually they were, more than once , but the shameless animals never  ceased to return and would come back galloping like retarded pigs whatsoever be the reason.

Legend has it , no matter how hard you kick them out , how often you kick them out , how many hundreds of times you kick them out , as long as they don’t find food somewhere else , they are destined to return and we’d have no other choice than keeping them back with us .

So back to him , Kaalu’s reign was the most happening one , though to us, he was as much use as a handbrake on a canoe .
Kaalu always looked starved . Though I saw to it that he got enough food to eat, yet he looked as if he’d be gone the next morning but that unfortunately never happened .

On his mother’s death , my daadi had said-
” ye kutty nahi thi , ye lakshmi thi lakshmi is ghar ki !!! “

Her namesake too, proved to be lucky for us . He was well behaved otherwise , except just for the few occasions when he got way too excited and romantic that even when someone caressed him on the back , he got a crazy boner and climbed onto people licking seven shades of shit out of their faces.
And more often than not, he needed to be brought back to his senses for which a slap or two would do.

As a guardian he performed his duties very well and were proud of him . He once almost disemboweled two dogs who were trespassing our house at night….take that with a pinch of salt because ,


The truth is , he never allowed us to be proud of him even when we deliberately wanted it.
At night , my mother had to kick him out of the house and he tried to leap back inside , and in the few odd milli-seconds that we had in between as the reaction time , I quickly shut the channel close so he couldn’t enter .
Whenever a dog would approach the house he’d begin to purr so loudly that we’d be forced to let him in.

At daytime , however he was a bit assertive and manly , by moving around without any bodyguards and his daily schedule looked somewhat like this-

6:00 – 9:00 am -> lick balls
9:00:00 – 9:00:15 am -> gobble up the food within 15 seconds and not a second more.
9:00:15 am – 2:00 pm -> lick balls , lick the brains outta’ them!!
2:00 – 2:10 pm -> lunch
2:10 – 5:00 pm -> sniff around butts of other female dogs
5:00 – 6:00 pm -> lick all the balls in neighbourhood
6:00 – 7:00 pm -> beg for food in all the houses (unless they don’t have a dog…..or even a cat for this case)
7:00 – 8:00 pm -> find ways to digest grass
8:00 – 8:10 pm  -> have dinner (and yet ,act hungry , only to get a goose egg)
8:10 pm – 6:00 am -> FUCKALL!!  just hit the sack you’ve been perpetually hittin’

I don’t really know why , but I had a hunch that god had sent him from heaven having him sponsored by Adidas , because that’s what he was all about .
ADIDAS – All Day I Dream About Sex.
How-the-f*ckin-ever fragile and weak and timid and frail and douchy and one-balled and near to death he may seem to you ,  the  frigging master-piece of shit would always be ready to screw animals four times his size , except of course, the cat, as is already known .

Once he even tried to drink the milk which was meant for the cat (as my mother deemed it would be a good omen for me ) and was about to stick his tongue when my mother appeared on cue and dragged him away by the neck and one leg (and he didn’t retaliate in the least bit).

That being said , he still was dear to  me , and only me.
His end was a real disheartening one as he was taken away from us against our will. One day , the cops came like gestapos searching for dogs capable of being in the cop service . They, at once , amazed at our dear dog , snatched him away from us and sped away.


The truth is , some worker who worked in the field ( I doubt if he was blind or horny enough) , stole him away and weeps till date , we presume .
Who in the actual fuck would want to have such a dog and AND! , resort to stealing for it.
My poor naive Kaalu went along with him in hope of some  more ‘afterdinner’ , only to be kept away forever .

So, that is how it ended with Kaalu the 2nd , but there’s more to the story and I’ll be telling it in the next part . Stay tuned .

read next – The Kaalu Chronicles – Part 3

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